The power of the words – “The story I am telling myself…”
The look on her face was unmistakably angry. And, I was sure it was my fault. I started to run through the list of what it could be: Was it something I said or did? Something I didn’t say or do? Then, my mind is off to the races making up stories about what happened?
Perhaps you can relate – we see a facial expression or an action and then we start to make up a story about what happened. The truth is we do this all the time. The human brain is wired that way – in the absence of information, our brains connect the dots. It’s an amazing part of our nature.
It gets us into trouble when we start believing our stories and taking them as “facts” when, in reality, our stories are interpretations of the facts. The fact is the look on someone’s face, the word(s) they said, or the action they took. The story is the meaning that I am giving to those things, my story. And, without validating my story, I am making a projection. Sometimes those projections are accurate. Sometimes they are not. We don’t know until we ask.
Over time, as I become aware of the stories or projections I am making, I have learned the power of six simple words: “The story I am telling myself…” (Or “my story…” for short) This has allowed me to test my stories, to name my experience, and seek to understand:
“Hey, I saw an emotion cross your face. The story I am telling myself is that you are upset. Is that accurate?”
“Just so you know, my story is that when you are late to our meetings, you don’t think this is important to you.”
It also allows me to be curious about the other person. When I believe my projections or stories, I am actually creating distance. But, when I name my experience and claim it as my story, I am leaning into relationship – seeking to understand the other with curiosity and openness.
In my example above, they may or may not be upset, but my curiosity seeks to know them – to understand. If my interpretation or story of someone’s lateness is that they don’t value the time, when I ask, if they say that’s true, we get to have one conversation. Or, they may reveal information gives greater perspective to their tardiness, which can lead to a new level of understanding and a shifting of my story.
When we approach the world this way, we will feel more connected, more open, and learn a lot about the people in our lives. Would you be willing, the next time your brain makes up a story about something going on with a co-worker, friend, or family member to lean in and say, “The story I am telling myself…”? When you do, you will find that you learn more about people and begin to see more accurately into the lives of others.
If you want to learn more about this and how to deepen your curiosity about the people in your life or on your team, join us for “A Taste of Conscious Culture on November 8 from 8:30-12:30, location TBD. $200/person.
(Discounts if you are bringing multiple team members.)
For questions or for more information, contact Chris (chris@thesparkmill.com)!