In Praise of Mentors, All of Them

A friend and former colleague asked me over the summer, “How do you end up with so many mentors?” She was frustrated. She detailed her efforts in reaching out to field-specific organizations that will take your data and match you up with just the right person. I’ve never done that, and I imagine it has merit. I have been very fortunate. I’ve had a significant number of folks who have become mentors for me. Some of them were even aware of it in the moment. Truthfully, I’ve fallen into these relationships completely by accident, generally speaking. That said, in hindsight, there are three aspects that stick out to me as I look back on how those relationships came to be.

Care deeply about things you care about.

I can only speak to my own experience, but this has always been the origin point for me. I have said for a long time that most of my gifts and my faults are the same thing. The internet recently told me this is apparently a Pisces thing. Caring deeply is one of those gift/fault things for me. We’ll start with the downside: things are going to hurt. Part of caring deeply is letting things affect you deeply, and sometimes that sucks. The vulnerability there can be the pits, and I’m no stranger to mismanaging that. Even still, I find the return far exceeds the hurt. I have found that when you care deeply and openly, you tend to land in the same spaces with people who care about those same things, fully and unapologetically. Mostly everyone I would consider a mentor in my life came to me this way. I cared, I interacted with the world guided by that care, and I found people who knew more than I did. The care and hunger that comes out of it pulls people toward you. Humility is a factor here too; assume you have something to learn, no matter how much you already know. (I recommend not caring deeply about everything. Perhaps more on this another time, but maybe just pick a few specific things.)

Assume you have something to offer.

Now that you have assumed you have something to learn, also assume you have something to offer. For those of you out there afraid that you might not know enough right now to engage, I have good news for you (i.e., me): the things you don’t know may have as much value as the things you do know. Crazy, right? You already care, and the curiosity and energy that come out of that create a great space for discourse. That alone adds value to the relationship – you’ll probably even ask a question that makes the person who clearly knows more on the subject or has more experiences in that arena say, “Huh… I hadn’t considered it that way.” With a willingness to grow, effort, and intentionality, what you already know and what you don’t already know can both be assets.

Receive everyone as a potential mentor, even if only for a moment.

I think we’ve made mental monuments to our ideas of what a mentor looks like, and I think that creates real barriers to how we receive people and their knowledge. Professionally, we look up chains of command, ladders. Socially, we look to people who are famous, and do we even know why? The two things we touched on above led me to people I had genuine connections with and that feels core to my experience. I’ve been very fortunate to call people mentors in my life for significant and ongoing periods. I owe them a great deal. That said, everyone has something to teach you, whether positive or negative. I’ve even had a few moments where children I didn’t know, in a Dollar Tree or at a pizza shop, seemed to perceive something and said something to me that I didn’t know I needed to hear as I just happened to walk by. Be open to learning from unexpected moments. In many cases, that will be the full experience, but that makes it no less valuable. In some cases, that will be the first conversation you have of many. 

And for crying out loud, thank these people in your life when you can!

Say it to their face and mean it. They’re fighting their own battles and insecurities and knowing they’ve made a positive impact in your world is good stuff.

Do people dedicate blogs? I’m going to.
I’m writing my feelings here to honor many, but in particular the memory of Bob Stephens. (It feels strange to link his obit, but it’s the only way I have to introduce you.) I met Bob through a meeting, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t crazy about the organization I was representing at that moment. But he saw something in me and for the next 3 months we had many meaningful conversations. The morning of the day he passed in December 2021, he forwarded an email. He simply said, “Have a great and productive day!” The forwarded article began, “When making big change in our lives, it can be easier to break it up into a few small changes to avoid overwhelm.” Still working on it, Bob. Thanks.