Can we talk about feelings at work?

I’m sure a few people responded “Please, no!” – I imagine a few of those people would include managers or introverts.

 So why talk about feelings? Whether we realize it or not, how we feel influences our thoughts and behaviors. When I’m feeling stressed, I have more difficulty completing work assignments, and when I’m annoyed/apathetic I’m less likely to provide my best customer service. I also observed staff engage in gossip more when they were frustrated by a policy or leadership decision. Over the last three years, we know there have been events that have caused strong emotions in most people, inevitability impacting our work.

 The Shift Towards Inclusion

As we shift to make the workplace more inclusive, I think we’ll have to begin thinking and practicing ways to acknowledge people’s feelings. All relationships experience conflict, and change comes with pain points; many of us are working to build the muscle that allows us to resolve conflicts and maintain relationships. When I was a part of a management team, I often felt an unwillingness to engage in conversations about how employees felt. There were a few instances where I was instructed not to discuss certain things with my team because they didn’t want employees to “overreact.”   

Assumptions about Feelings

I have two assumptions about why “feelings” may be challenging in the workplace. The first assumption is leaders aren’t sure how to respond to the feelings or they feel personally responsible for the feelings of others. People often feel the need to console or resolve the feelings of others when they’re unpleasant or uncomfortable - feelings such as sadness, stress, or anger (remember Joy from Inside Out). One way to overcome this is through professional coaching.

No one is responsible for the feelings of others and coaching can help you find new ways to respond to the feelings employees share at work. Another way to manage this is by creating a culture of consent. Sometimes people cannot hear and respond (as opposed to reacting) to someone else’s feelings, especially when providing critical feedback. Asking permission to vent or have a more challenging conversation sets the stage for others to receive the information. After all, that’s what feelings really are: information.

My other assumption is people are concerned the discussion will become an unproductive downward spiral of complaints and negativity that leads to the team feeling hopeless or fearful. I think these types of unproductive conversations happen when employees have not had the opportunity to discuss their thoughts and feelings on a situation. It's like the problem had too much time to sit and fester. One way to overcome this is to truly facilitate the conversation.

One of my favorite facilitation tools is The Six Thinking Hats. This tool helps to keep a group in the same thinking space. For example, the yellow hat prompts the group to think about the benefits of a decision; a black hat prompts the group to think critically about the risks of a decision. If the group is in yellow hat thinking and one person begins expressing criticism, you can redirect them while reassuring them that there will be an opportunity for their critical assessment. Brené Brown’s book Dare to Lead also has language and tools that can be incorporated into work culture to facilitate a conversation with strong emotions

 A colleague mentioned to a client that we are in a time of “reinvention” in workplace culture, and I think creating space and means for employees/teams to express feelings in a healthy way should be a part of that reinvention. If you think you need to have a hard conversation in your organization and aren’t sure where to start, reach out to me and my team at The Spark Mill. We’d love to help you make that change happen.